Exposed.

I want to be exposed.
I want people to see the real me.
Something I don't do often.
I usually plant a 1000 watt smile on my face and pretend everything's okay and be hyper and crazy.
When really,
all I want to do is crawl back into my ditch I've dug for myself and cry.
I am sick of living a facade.
Sick of it.
I want people to see the real Lyndsey,
behind the eyeliner, and the smile, and the laugh.
I want people to see the real Lyndsey,
with blue eyes that have seen so much.
One of these days, if you go to school with me,
you'll see me in the hallway, curly haired, no eyeliner, with no smile on her face.
Like last year.
Its all going to happen again.
I can feel it in my veins.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

I Love ShilohBby and I's Weird Ass Convos.

LyndseyKillsYou (11:42:08 PM): YOU SKANK.
smu96 (11:42:15 PM): YOU WHORE!
smu96 (11:42:21 PM): why am I a skank?
LyndseyKillsYou (11:42:22 PM): SUCK MY BIG BLACK JUICY COCK
LyndseyKillsYou (11:42:26 PM): I don't know.
LyndseyKillsYou (11:42:31 PM): First thing that came to mind.
LyndseyKillsYou (11:42:32 PM): xDDD.
smu96 (11:42:48 PM): xDDDDD <333333 gotta love our random covossss
LyndseyKillsYou (11:42:54 PM): Oh yessss.
LyndseyKillsYou (11:42:55 PM): OH YES.
smu96 (11:42:56 PM): convossss*
LyndseyKillsYou (11:42:58 PM): BABY DONT STOP.
LyndseyKillsYou (11:43:00 PM): OHHHH YESSSSSS.
LyndseyKillsYou (11:43:03 PM): OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
smu96 (11:43:05 PM): DON'T STOP DONT STOP
smu96 (11:43:10 PM): yumm
LyndseyKillsYou (11:43:18 PM): SHILOHHHHH
smu96 (11:43:27 PM): BOBBBBBBB
LyndseyKillsYou (11:43:44 PM): Bitch my name is Chris.
smu96 (11:43:47 PM): JOEEEEEEE
LyndseyKillsYou (11:43:47 PM): xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
smu96 (11:43:57 PM): YOU CRAZY ASS NIG
LyndseyKillsYou (11:44:07 PM): Yep. A pedophile just be creepin up in yo vaginaaaa
smu96 (11:44:07 PM): iloveyah(:
LyndseyKillsYou (11:44:22 PM): iloveyahtoo :]

Goals Before My Birthday.

Okay, seeing as my birthday is in about a month, I want to do some things while I'm this age before I get older.
For your information I am 12. Going to be 13. :].
Anyway.
Before I am 13 I Want To;
-Memorize "In My Own World" from Alice In Wonderland.
-Dye my hair black.
-Go to school wearing my "Kiss Me I'm Punk" Green Day shirt.
-Dye my hair red.
-Go back to that field behind the mall.
-Go to the mall with Alyssa again.
-Go to the mall with Cassie again.
-Go to the mall with Danielle again.
-Rebuild mine and Austin's friendship.
-Finish my My Chemical Romance mural thing.
-Wear my hair curly to school.
-Go streaking. Again. x].
-Get nose pierced.
-Actually go a week without drama.
-Be exposed.
Ta da. ;D.
From The Mind Of,
-Lyndsey.

Stop It.

Okay,
stop comparing me to someone else.
I fucking hate it.
Stop it!
I'm not her...I'm Lyndsey.
Do I need a "Hello, My Name Is" sticker everytime I see you so you know not to call me by her name?
If you ever do.
I'll be angry.
Just stop it.
It makes me so mad.
I. Am. Not. Her.
I. Am. Lyndsey.
Get it?
Got it?
Good.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

Sex.

Yes. Sex.
Quite an interesting subject.
Its like a drug, its something you can become addicted to.
Most kids my age talk about it a lot.
Like discussing how a zucchini looks like a penis with tan-lines, ANYWAYYYY.
Sex.
Yeah.
Its fun.
Not that I would know >_>.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

A Letter.

Dear You,
Thank you. For making everyday special, for giving me someone to look forward to spending time with, for being someone who can actually understand me.
Thank you. For not yelling at me all of the times I knew you wanted to, for saving me, for just being there.
Thank you for being my last life line.
Thank you...for loving me.
But most of all,
thank you,
for being you.
-Lyndsey

I Want to Lose 15 Pounds in 2 Weeks.

Yeah. Thats my goal.
My mother told me I was fat today and she wasn't kidding.
I'm already Vegetarian, which cut a lot out of my diet,
and I've been drinking Soy Milk lately.
But I did Cheerleading & Gymnastics for years but I quit Gymnastics in the spring because I was going through a rough time in my life and I recently quit Cheerleading.
So I have a plan.
For two weeks I will eat nothing but one salad a day for dinner and drink nothing but water & soy milk. And sleep a lot.
Last winter I was really sick and lost thirty pounds in like three weeks and put it back on...so I was a 00 for a month and weighed 82 pounds.
Anyway.
Hopefully this will work and I'll be skinny again.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

I'm Terrified. [National Suicide Survivor's Day]

Today, November 21st, is National Suicide Survivor's Day.
Something I can celebrate.
I attempted suicide myself, and I honestly don't know why I would do that over such a stupid reason.
I was going through a time when I didn't know who I was anymore because someone I truly loved had left me.
I'm going through that time again, and to be honest, it scares me.
I'm scared to death I'm going to start being that reckless Lyndsey I once was.
Eating Advil, drinking my mom's Keystone Light, not caring about anyone or anything, especially myself.
Well, thats not true. I cared about everyone. Too much.
I still do.
But it terrifies me that I might be like that again...
Most of the close, close, friends I have now have never seen me like that...
And I'm scared they'll abandon me.
Like my other friends did...
I'm so scared.
I don't know what to do.
Its like I'm falling.
Back into the past...filled with fishnets, alcohol, pills, and punk rock.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

I FINALLY DISCOVERED A BAND.

http://www.myspace.com/heyhihello
HeyHiHello is fucking orgasmic.
I DISCOVERED THEM. :].
My favorite song by them is "Goodnight, Moon.".
They sound like Owl City.
ilovethemtilltheworldends :].
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

"You're a Freak."

I had a conversation with a girl named Raquel and this is how it went [what she said is in bold];
i take it u dont like me huh
No. Not after you kept screaming at me on the bus.
i was jk but u took it all serious and it was my cuzzin too
but who cares who needs u anywasy
Alright then. I was in a bad mood all day today, just saying. And two people screaming at me from all the way in the back of the bus isn't very pleasant.
oh ok excuses huh
I really don't care what you think of me.
I don't care if you stop talking to me.
and y were u bring a lea and licking lyndsey and STOKING raylenes arm
being a lez*
I stroke everyone. I do that to everyone.
I go up to people and ask if I can stroke them.
Lindsay has been one of my best friends since fourth grade.
Its an inside joke.
thats weird
Yeah I know I'm weird.
Its fun.
okay?? istill think its not normal though just saying
I'm not normal.
I never have been.
I'm half lesbian.
oh thats not something u should admitt
Being Bisexual?
I don't see a thing wrong with it.
well i do its justr not normal okay
Okay then. You're homophobic.
You offend me.
idc im not scared of homos i dislike them so there u have ur ways and i have mine Then there you are. You dislike gays, lesbians, bisexuals, trisexuals, and transvestites.
Which offends me.
they r all freaks and i dont care that it affends u so i guess ur a freak
Yes. I am.
I love being a "freak".
well have to go weirdo
Okay then.
ok that ockward
*awkward
Learn how to spell.

Okay, if you're going to call me a freak because of my Sexuality don't speak to me ever again. It disgusts me in everyway.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

Insane Clown Posse.

I like ICP.
Big fuckin' deal.
It rubbed off on me during the summer.
No I am not doing this to impress this one kid, I'm over him. Hes my friend and thats it.
No I am not a fucking Juggalette.
I'll never call myself one.
I like some ICP, and I love Boondox.
Big deal.
:].
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

"I care about you more than anyone else in the world."

I feel like my life is spinning out of control, so slowly.
That everything I ever gripped onto is slipping away, and that I'm losing all control of my own mind, my mind wanders to disturbing thoughts and I feel like I'm falling, and falling, and falling, as if I fell into the rabbit hole and nobody is there to stop me.

"Tossed Away"

Her cries echo through shadowy halls,

black mascara dripping down her porcelain skin

she is fed mixtures of self-loathing and neglect

swaddled in her mother's ignorance and sin.



Forced to exist with blinking shallow eyes

her shell of a body hollow of all respect,
as birth drained all hope that laid within

she was tossed away like a useless object.

This is a poem I read on allpoetry.com by the user annother.

"YOU'RE A BUM!"

That does not insult me.
Theres this kid at my school in my grade whom I used to be friends with and me and one of my best friends, Alyssa, were telling our friend Danielle about something the kid did at the dance [A girl he was dancing with went down...AND HE WENT DOWN WITH HER.], and we thought it was funny, we didn't do it to be mean, and now hes calling me a "bum" and Alyssa a "rat."
The term bum does not insult me.
I have a very pretty pink box.
And Alyssa's has indoor electricity and plumbing and heating.
I don't get how thats supposed to insult me.
I really don't.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

My Family. x].

People sometimes, erg, usually, believe I hate my family. I can make it seem like it, but they mean a lot to me.

Jennie Kate McNitt - My mother. I've said I hate her before. I honestly don't. I love my mom more than anything and shes an inspiration to me. I could never live without her. Putting up with her is quite difficult sometimes, but, I've learned to live with it. Shes such a strong woman and has been through so much and I know that after our fights I'll sit in my room crying and screaming about how much I hate her, but none of thats true. I love my mother more than anything or anyone.

Eric James Anderson - My father. This is going to be the first and last time I EVER blog about what I think of my father. I hate him. I hate him for what he did. I hate him for the person he was, but I realize he lived with a very difficult mental disease called Schizophrenia and simply couldn't handle anything. In a few short five years he had moved to another country [USA. He was from the United Kingdom], met a girl, got her pregnant when they didn't even have a relationship, and had a difficult thing to live with and then had a young daughter he had to take care of on the weekends in a small studio apartment. He committed suicide. Not to get into the gory details, but I was there, and all I remember is the gunshot and the blood splattering the windows. Please don't ever ask me to tell you the full story. I do thank him for one thing, my creative ability. My father was an artist, writer, and musician. Thats the only thing I will and could ever thank him for.

Jason Matthew Metcalf - My step-dad. Well, not literally my step-dad, hes been my mother's boyfriend for five years. Anyway, me and him usually don't get along. Well, we never get along. Ever. But I thank him for buying me things and being there for me.

Darlene Elizabeth McNitt - My grandmother. I love this woman more than anything. More than my mother. I am closer to her than anyone. She means so much to me and I don't think I could go on without her, but I know at some time I'll have to. She is the only one in my family who has never doubted me and she knows I will grow up and not fuck up my life. I love you Nanny.

Robert Lewis McNitt - My grandfather. This man. Well, hes done so many things that I can never imagine doing. He was in the Navy, he is a retired succesful politician, and a retired Floor Manager for TRW [An automotive company that used to be stationed in the town I live in but moved to Mexico.] and raised two children, one that wasn't even his own. I made one promise to this man I will always keep, to grow up, and attend University of Michigan and graduate. With honours. And be a succesful young woman.

Blair James Carlton McNitt - My cousin. BJ is one of the people in my family I doubt sometimes, but hes been through so much. He has one daughter he doesn't really get to see but her loves her more than anything and I wish him and his long-term girlfriend the best in Louisianna.

Alberta Elizabeth Dresser - My great-grandmother. This woman...is...difficult. But I love her. Sure, me and my grandpa make fun of her strange ways at times, but I have to learn that she was born many many many years before me and that I have to let her think that milk still costs $0.25 and that a pack of gum was a nickel. Sure, shes asked me if I'm a Satanist before, but I love her.

Thats my family. I hope you accept them. I have a very large family but those are the people I decided to write about.

:/

Me and Justen broke up.
Yeah....
So anyway.
I'm Bi, right?
And I REALLY want to date a chick,
but there aren't any girls I like at the moment. >.<
And then I miss one of my ex-boyfriends.
And really really really like this guy and have since April,
and I'm thinking about asking this one kid out.
But I don't know.
But I REALLY want to date a chick.
I had a thing with this one girl,
but I don't really talk to her anymore.
>.<.
Life is confusing sometimes, isn't it?
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

to my dearest lyndsey, love shiloh.

dearest lyndsey,


i love you lyndsey, your my absolute best friend. i adore your sexy guts :] haha. youve gone through alot and i understand that and although we get pissed at each other its ok cause i love you.




alrightee i love you,
shiloh

"You're like the coolest fucking chick ever, lets leave it at that."

Thats what one of my ex-boyfriends said to me tonight. [see title of this entry.]
I feel so fucking amazing.
I hope he wasn't lying to me.
Because that made me feel really fucking special.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

Person A Loves Person B But Person B Loves Person C and Person C Doesn't Love Person B So Person B Cries on Person A's Shoulder.

My situation in life sucks right now.
I've been in love with this person for about 7 months now, and they used to be in love with me in the first 3 months but then I asked him if he loved me anymore and he said "Sorry but no." and then he told me I was his "little sister". -____-.
Anyway, hes been in this on and off relationship with this chick and she keeps breaking up with him and it hurts him so much and I always end up being the shoulder he cries on.
It pisses me off.
Not the fact that I'm the shoulder he cries on.
The fact she continuously hurts him. I hate seeing him hurt.
They're probably going to break up (again >.<) soon.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

Gah.

One of my best friends, who I previously thought didn't like me at all anymore [see previous blogs.] just told me I'm over analystic.
I am!
I analyze everything. The way people act, the way they look at me, if someone looks at me funky or doesn't say what they used to I flip out. I think its either because;
A) I've had a lot of people just abandon me and I'm scared of it.
B) I have schizophrenia and I think the world is against me, which is one of the symptoms.
C) I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder on how people act.
Hmm. A therapist I had at one time suggested I might have schizophrenia. And my dad had it. So...hmm. And in the summer when I started making new friends I was terrified that none of them really liked me and as soon as school started they would all turn against me.
I scare myself, too.
I was tested for Cystic Fybrosis [sp?] and I read things about it on Wikipedia and I scared myself to death. Of course, I don't have it.
Gah.
I think I'm just overly pessimistic.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

Okay...

I'm fully aware that one of my best friends doesn't like me as much as they used to.
I said hi to them today on IM,
and they said "what?".
Like I was bothering them.
It almost made me cry.
I miss the old him...
I miss it when his eyes looked so happy.
Now it hurts to look him in the eye because he looks so hurt.
*sigh*.
He just said he isn't mad at me.
I just wish we were as close as we were. I hate losing friends. I've lost a lot, and I don't want to lose him. Hes like my brother and he means a lot to me...
I wish he read my Blogspot. >.<.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.

Losing them?

I believe I am losing one of my best friends.
I've been friends with him since April...and now all of a sudden it seems like he doesn't care about me anymore.
I used to be I guess high in his Myspace Tops but now I'm not even in them...
It hurts a lot because today I said hi to him on IM and all he said was "byez" and got off.
I'll see him tomorrow before 2nd hour and I'll just say "Are you mad at me?" or something like that.
I hope we don't drift apart.
He means so much to me.
And some people think I'm "obsessed" with him. I'm not.
Even one of my best friends thinks I'm "obsessed" with him.
I miss the old him.
From The Mind Of,
Lyndsey.