December 8th, 2009.

Is the night I attempted suicide.
And there is one thing about that night that stands out to me the most.
A man, I don't know his name, but I'll always remember him.
He was a young fireman in his mid to early twenties, and since firemen have EMT training, he was at my house when my mum called 911.
He sat down on my couch and asked me my name and my age.
I was crying hysterically and confused and panicking.
He wanted to calm me down, badly.
He began asking me about music, and under all of the emotions from the adrenaline and fear I was terrified he'd have a bad taste in music.
I told him Green Day was my favourite band.
He told me they were his too.
I listed off a few others, I believe I said;: Marilyn Manson, Sex Pistols, and Paramore.
The only I could think of.
"I LOVE MANSON!"
He looked so excited, I laughed through tears.
He asked me if I wanted to sit on my steps while the police took care of everything, since they already bandaged me up.
I said yes and he asked the officer in charge if he could, she was apprehensive, but she let him.
We got outside, it was chilly.
We continued our conversation, interrupted with my sudden outbursts of sobbing and sharply inhales.
It was silent for a moment.
"May I ask you why you wanted to kill yourself?"
I spilled all of my then problems to him.
I told him everything.
Everything that was going on.
School, Sam, Mackenzie, Cody, my mum, everything.
I broke down sobbing when I was done.
All that night, I had been begging people for a hug, but they said they couldn't because I was bloody.
And he hugged me, without my asking.
This man was so amazing, yet I never caught his name.
I want to meet him again, to hug him and thank him.
I don't even know his name, I didn't talk to him for more than twenty minutes and his last words to me were, "Good luck Lyndsey." when I was getting in the back of the cop car to go to the hospital.
I was a young girl with tears streaming down her face and clutching her stuffed dog named Strawberry.
And he listened to me.
I don't know if he judged me, but I hope he didn't.
I sounded crazy that night.
I never saw that man again.
But I will always remember his face.
If I ever see him again, I will hug him.
Every time I get upset, I do think of him. Because he gives me hope, knowing there are people in the world like him.
I miss him so much.
Writing this brings tears to my eyes.
He, is what I look for in someone I want to date.
Thank you, Mystery Man. For listening.

Amen,
Lyndsey.

Just...No.

So, I'm going to sound like a complete fucking heartless cold worthless bitchy cunt.
But,
This pisses me the fuck off.
All of this, I know you loved him, I know you loved him a lot, I know you did. And I know it must hurt, but you're really overreacting over this.
You really are.
Then you wonder how I felt when I lost him?
Yeah...that hurt...so fucking much.
And I barely ever complained about it.
Ever.
Maybe to one or two people.
But only because Cassie&&Emily love me♥
But still.
And now you're calling me out on stuff behind my back?
Just...wow.
:/.

Amen,
Lyndsey.

First Time.

This is the first time I am going to open up about everything.
Everything.
Every. Little. Thing.
But not too much details. :}.
So, lately I've been so stressed.
Wanna know why?
I've been obsessing over grades since about 5th grade and its just now getting to me. I want to have an absolutely perfect grade history so I can get into Dartmouth, or at least University of Michigan.
I mean, I have a lot of pressure on me to be perfect. My mom was perfect. Perfect grades, did sports, modeled with Barbizon, gorgeous, everything. I've failed to do that. I don't have perfect grades [For me, I don't think anything less than a B+ is good enough for myself.], I had to quit sports due to an injury, I'm not nearly as gorgeous as my mom was, and I'm definetely NOT nice.
But, the athletics might be shaping up for me.
I had to quit my absolute passion, Gymnastics, due to a really bad calf muscle injury and that resulted in the quitting of Level 7 Competitive Cheerleading. x[. I did both for nearly 8 years.
So, with advice from Sam, I might do track.
**probably will do track.
I dunno, it looks like fun, and I can run fast.
Oh, and, it doesn't have cuts. :]].
So I'm stressing over that like I did volleyball...which was a fail.
I'm utterly worried about my mother because my stepdaddy Jason might move out due to their fighting, and I know that I can have a lot of mixed emotions about him, but lately we've been getting along so well and hes been there for me and I don't want him to leave because;:
1) I'd again be without a father figure.
2) My mommy would be hurt so bad.
3) I'd be hurt so bad.
4) I'd probably lose contact with him.
5) I'd miss him so much.
I'm crying. >_____________>.
Anyway.
I feel like I'm totally numb now. Like I can't be hurt by people other than my family anymore. Just...the Jon thing, kinda pushed me over the edge. And right now I just don't have the strength to put my all into any relationship with anyone that I plan on making last.
I've been so worried about so many people lately, its driving me insane.
I need to start thinking about myself but I honestly can't.
I'm also under a lot of stress because when I'm home every half hour I practice something for choir because I want to be in Trubadours so fucking bad. Vagabonds...I hate saying I'm in it, because its second best.
And I always, want to be the best.
My looks are seriously getting worse and worse. My skin is drying up because of this terrible sunburn, my roots are coming in badly, my eyes are losing the blue and turning dull and kinda green, and I've lost my ivory skintone thanks to fucking Florida. >_____________>.
I dunno why that bothers me, but it does. A lot.
My psychiatric state is getting so much better. I'm becoming happier everyday, and I've stopped hurting myself and drinking. I'm so glad. But, as said above, I have been worrying more and had a few small panic attacks lately in the middle of the night. I dunno why.
But, I did make a promise to someone to;:
1) Start loving myself more.
2) Stop hurting myself.
3) Be happy.
So, hopefully it won't be broken. (:

Amen,
Lyndsey.

Floridaa. ♥

So I am in Kissimmee, Florida.
I am with Lindsay, her mommy Leanne, and her mommy's boyfriend, Doug {DLB].
It was a 20 hour drive. From Jackson, Michigan to Kissimmee, Florida.
We went through Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Georgia.
DUDE DUDE DUDEE.
In Georgia went went to a gas station and in the gas station's bathroom on the little drier thing there was...A GREEN DAY STICKER! :D
I got so so excited.
xDD.
So when we got to Orange Lake {the resort] my thighs were BURNING. And I do not know why.
Me and Lindsay have our own room and bathroom.
The bathroom is currently a mess of fuchsia and brown hair dye. I dyed the bottom of her blonde hair an amber brown and I changed the nasty salmon colour of the bottom of my hair fuschia. Its called "Pink Fetish" by Splat. xD. Lololol...fetish....lololol.
So we went to Splash Lagoon, one of the pools on the resort, right?
And there were some stunnin' teenage boys, I tell you. No lie.
Dayum.
One of them, the cutest, had on these blue DC shorts, right?
And he kept looking at meee!
"Doubletakee!" - Lindsay.
Lolol.
I smiled.
x].
So we are going to the other pool, River Island, today.
I have a sunburn on my shoulder. -_-.
Kthnxbai.

Amen,
Lyndsey.

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010.

Before School: I was tired and I thought it was Friday. Got ready. I guess I looked kinda pretty. I wore a Cheshire Cat shirt and ripped black leggings.

First Hour (Social Studies): I was bored out of my fucking mind. Mr. Zimmerman kinda interested me today though. Lolol.

Second Hour (Adv. English): I was so bored I could have shot myself. I had to read Chapter Two of Lord of the Flies. xPP.

Third Hour (Vagabonds): I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED! MR. PATTERSON MADE SAM LEAVE AND MY WHOLE DAY WAS RUINED. DDx.

Fourth Hour (Algebra A): I got really depressed.

Lunch: I could have stabbed Drake with my fucking plastic knife.

Fifth Hour (Astronomy): Boring. As usual. I started crying in the dark while he went over the little star thingies.

Sixth Hour (Science): I talked to Kelsey<33 about my problems.

After School: Hung out with Cassie, Sam, Alyssa, Taylor, and Maddie. After Alyssa left Taylor and Maddie had to leave so Cassie, Sam, and I went on a walk and I asked a lady if Sam looked like a pimp and she said "No he looks like a very clean cut young man.". Lolol. Then after Sam left Cassie and I talked about stuff at the park. <33.

I now should be doing my book report.
xP.

Amen,
Lyndsey.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am going to wear a dress.
Its really pretty. Its white on top and black on the bottom.
I haven't tried it on yet.
I'll bet you I look fat. ;D
Hmm.
Yess.
So, I am sitting alone in my living room and I am hungry.
BUT NO I CANNOT EAT! ;D
Because I am fasting for Floridaa.
Yes, I am going to Florida on Friday morning. ;DD.
Sunny sunshine time!
:D

Amen,
Lyndsey.

Its Over.

Its all over. This nightmare I've been going through for a year and twenty one days...is over.
Its gone.
Its all gone.
I'm moving on.
I don't need to be stuck in the past.
Its...all...gone.
I can finally live.
I don't want to die anymore.

Amen,
Lyndsey.

"HE LOOKS LIKE A RICH KID AT WOODSTOCK."

Okay so, my SexyUnicornBooDaveyy!! was ranting about this one Leprechaun I know.
And heres what he said;:
HIS HAIR ISN'T EVEN THAT LONG. HE LOOKS LIKE A RICH KID AT WOODSTOCK. He will wear a LONG SLEEVED SHIRT and ROLL IT UP to his SHOULDERS! *retarded voice* OH HEEHEE LOOK AT ME I CAN RUNNN. I CAN RUNN REALLLL GOOOOODDDDD. HALO THIS HALO THAT. BLAH BLAH BLAH. LOOK AT ME IM A RICHHH KIDDD.

There was so much more, but I'm lazy.

Amen,
Lyndsey.

I Was Wrong.

I was wrong.
I was wrong about you.
You are;:
Immature.
Selfish.
Annoying.
Faltered.
A lie.
Crazy.
Obsessive.

What the hell was I thinking?

Amen,
Lyndsey.