First Time.

This is the first time I am going to open up about everything.
Everything.
Every. Little. Thing.
But not too much details. :}.
So, lately I've been so stressed.
Wanna know why?
I've been obsessing over grades since about 5th grade and its just now getting to me. I want to have an absolutely perfect grade history so I can get into Dartmouth, or at least University of Michigan.
I mean, I have a lot of pressure on me to be perfect. My mom was perfect. Perfect grades, did sports, modeled with Barbizon, gorgeous, everything. I've failed to do that. I don't have perfect grades [For me, I don't think anything less than a B+ is good enough for myself.], I had to quit sports due to an injury, I'm not nearly as gorgeous as my mom was, and I'm definetely NOT nice.
But, the athletics might be shaping up for me.
I had to quit my absolute passion, Gymnastics, due to a really bad calf muscle injury and that resulted in the quitting of Level 7 Competitive Cheerleading. x[. I did both for nearly 8 years.
So, with advice from Sam, I might do track.
**probably will do track.
I dunno, it looks like fun, and I can run fast.
Oh, and, it doesn't have cuts. :]].
So I'm stressing over that like I did volleyball...which was a fail.
I'm utterly worried about my mother because my stepdaddy Jason might move out due to their fighting, and I know that I can have a lot of mixed emotions about him, but lately we've been getting along so well and hes been there for me and I don't want him to leave because;:
1) I'd again be without a father figure.
2) My mommy would be hurt so bad.
3) I'd be hurt so bad.
4) I'd probably lose contact with him.
5) I'd miss him so much.
I'm crying. >_____________>.
Anyway.
I feel like I'm totally numb now. Like I can't be hurt by people other than my family anymore. Just...the Jon thing, kinda pushed me over the edge. And right now I just don't have the strength to put my all into any relationship with anyone that I plan on making last.
I've been so worried about so many people lately, its driving me insane.
I need to start thinking about myself but I honestly can't.
I'm also under a lot of stress because when I'm home every half hour I practice something for choir because I want to be in Trubadours so fucking bad. Vagabonds...I hate saying I'm in it, because its second best.
And I always, want to be the best.
My looks are seriously getting worse and worse. My skin is drying up because of this terrible sunburn, my roots are coming in badly, my eyes are losing the blue and turning dull and kinda green, and I've lost my ivory skintone thanks to fucking Florida. >_____________>.
I dunno why that bothers me, but it does. A lot.
My psychiatric state is getting so much better. I'm becoming happier everyday, and I've stopped hurting myself and drinking. I'm so glad. But, as said above, I have been worrying more and had a few small panic attacks lately in the middle of the night. I dunno why.
But, I did make a promise to someone to;:
1) Start loving myself more.
2) Stop hurting myself.
3) Be happy.
So, hopefully it won't be broken. (:

Amen,
Lyndsey.